chaos diary: short post on grief

The grief hits harder today. I probably should be writing this in my diary instead, but I just feel like typing — it's easier on my hand. 

I'm healed, but if I've learned anything about grief, it's that you carry it throughout your life; you don't just stop having it one day.

I've been living and doing great, but somehow there's a part of him that will always be with me, and I've been living okay with that fact, but today I just needed him a little bit more than the other days... More than anything, more than anyone, I needed him today. When he used to be one of my variables for decision making, now that he's not, and I'm about to make another big life decision, when it should feel free, I feel lost. I asked for advice from everyone I know, and it's still his voice I seek, because I'm scared and he would always know what to say.

There were these scenes from the last Bridget Jones film (as of today) where (spoiler alert) Darcy was there when he was no longer there. But that's how grieving over the dead goes, right? How do you grieve over someone who's perfectly alive, who couldn't be in your life anymore? I can't just do it the way Bridget does, just pretend that he's somehow still there when he... isn't. Or I could, but how do I carry the ghost of someone when the person is still alive and refuses to be in my life? These two kinds of grief don't work the same. I have no grave I could visit, no more person I can talk to about him without them saying "Really, this again? Him again?" to me, and I shall never reminisce because that's like cutting my healing wound back open. So how do I carry this grief?

To be honest, even now, as we're entering the fourth month of the breakup, I still don't know and am still clueless. I will get better, I know. I just need to learn this kind of grief; how to carry it.